Be Silent. Even when people are talking at you. You must always be silent. Be seen and not heard. Never fight back. You do what I tell you to do. You need to believe what I tell you to believe.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt me."
According to Wikipedia, this saying first appeared in The Christian Recorder, a publication of the African Methodist Episcopal Church, on March 22, 1862, where it was presented as an "old adage" in this form: Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never harm me. The problem is, that words do hurt whether we want them to or not.
Microaggressions, derogatory words, negative phrases, and name calling are all like mosquito bites. Sure one may be tolerable, but pile up a whole bunch at one time and it can be deadly. People say whatever they want to in 2023 because they know that they will not be held accountable for their words and the damage that it causes. A lot of people really don't care. The children, the adults, the minorities, and anyone else who commits suicide from it, people degrade them saying they didn't have thick and tough skin. I have even heard people say that only the strong will survive.
There are two different situations which I am going through right now in which words have affected me. I try not to let it, but they do. The first one is about a long history of fighting the public school districts in the Pacific Northwest. From Kindergarten to 6th grade, my child has had to deal with all kinds of trauma, microaggressions, and abuse from the public schools. It's hard when people damage your child and then think that they can do it without consequences. Being a black child is even more difficult. No one really cares what black children have to say because our society looks at them like they are expendable.
The second situation is certain leadership of an NAACP branch, a major local civil rights organization. I spent 8 years with this organization. Recently, the President and the Vice President were allowed to say whatever they wanted to me, send emails degrading me and my character to quite a few people, and then lie about certain things that were happening. You build up your reputation for a long time only for people who are power hungry and full of hate to try and tear it down. I decided that the best thing for me to do was leave the organization. One of the committee chairs, who I thought was my friend, wanted me to not say anything, not defend myself. They wanted me to be seen and not heard. No one cared how the actions of the leaders affected me or how it was affecting others who were seeing what was going on.
When all was said and done, this so-called friend told me to stop responding, basically let it roll off of my shoulders, but when I didn't, threw me under the bus and blamed me. I took a copy of the emails so I would never forget, but I kept replaying every step of the entire situation in my mind trying to figure out what I could have done differently. An organization that stands for equity and equality for black people who has just happens to be an organization that allowed leaders to tear each other down in the blink of an eye. It was sad and it hurt. I pride myself on my reputation and everything I have ever done in life, I do it 200%. It shouldn't affect me but it does.
People like this in the public school district and this NAACP Branch don't care about others. They don't care about how their actions affect people, they just care about image. It's important when dealing with anyone to set proper personal boundaries. In the case of the public school district, I filed a complaint with OSPI (Office of Superintendent of Public Instruction). In the case of the NAACP branch, I had to set specific office hours because I was working seven days a week for this volunteer organization. I would like to tell you that setting proper personal boundaries is healthy and that it won't backfire....but in my case it did both times.
When I set boundaries with the public school district, we signed a mediation agreement, but the public school broke the very next week. The school district di fix the situation, but I decided to change my daughter's school. The problem with this is, I know of two other parents who pulled their kids from the same school due to some of the same problems. The people in charge causing the problems didn't learn anything because they weren't held accountable. So while my daughter will attend a new school, I can only imagine the other kids who will go through the same things because of the people at that school who weren' theld accountable.
When I set boundaries with the NAACP branch, it backfired because those people who are currently in charge required me to be available a whole lot more when they weren't available. The pushed all blame on me and refused to be accountable for their actions. Even though I did save the emails, the leadership made sure to frame that Branch to their rules and not the rules of the National NAACP. For me, taking a break from the NAACP in general, reduces my anxiety and stress. It was hard to set boundaries, let alone let go especially since I am a very loyal person. I had to think about what is best for me and my family. The way the current leadership treated me was with zero respect. I had to ultimately tell myself that it wasn't worth my time, effort, or sanity to volunteer for an organization in which I gave 200%. Staying wasn't healthy at all, but leaving was. Now I get to focus my 200% on my own business away from the NAACP. I am looking forward to the reduction of my anxiety and some peace.
Setting personal boundaries is extremely important for your personal growth and sanity. It may be hard a first and it may backfire, but in the long run, it will feel better. It will help your self-esteem, provide you with stability, help you develop your independence, and will help define your values. No one will fight for you 100%, but you. There are people who can come alongside you, but ultimately, you have to do the work. Setting boundaries gets easier the more you do it. Practice makes perfect, eventually. Take baby steps when you first begin setting boundaries and be ready for people and organizations to retaliate. Seeking out support from a therapist may help, but remember, your friends and family may not be there to support you and that's okay. Never let someone tell you that you cannot stick up for or stand up for yourself. The more you let people walk all over you, the longer they will do it. Then you will find yourself feeling like tape is always over your mouth. It is never okay for someone to shut you up. You have a right to be heard and seen. Don't hide away in your home or room. Be seen. Be heard. Be you.
At the end of the day, I had to realize that everyone already hates me, so me standing up for myself and setting boundaries won't matter. One more person in the world who hates me is okay. People like when they can call me names, degrade me, talk down to me, belittle me, and tell me what to do. They like that when I don't say something back to them or defend myself. I seem to always and naturally attract power hungry people and bullies. That's why I do not get along with Leos. I am forty years old now, and I wish I had perfected standing up for myself when I was twelve. I think my life would have been a little different. I hope that the person reading this doesn't wait as long as I did to learn the power and value of setting proper, personal, and effective boundaries.
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