When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mother. My mother had always wanted me to be something different like a doctor or a lawyer. So to deter me from being a mother, she would always cry really loud in my ear at all hours of the night and day. She wanted to make me hate the idea of being a mother. For me, as I grew up, I rarely changed from that mindset. When I thought of being a mother though, it would always be with a husband, married, with maybe four children. I would be the kind of mother who always had a lot of children over my house. All of my children would have extracurricular activities and I would drive them and their friends to their scheduled activities. Birthdays and the parties to go with it would always be huge. Holidays would be a blast, especially Christmas.
Christmas is my favorite holiday. I know Santa Claus isn’t real, but a s Creative, Santa Claus represents hope, love, joy, magic, and miracles. I love snow and candy canes and everything about Christmas. I don’t care how it started or what it was supposed to be originally. For me, Christmas is the one time of year when almost everyone is nice to each other. If I had my way, I would have a whole city that was all about Christmas. It would be called Christmastown.
No one cares what I think about Christmas. Everyone always talks about why I shouldn’t celebrate it, but for me, Christmas also represents togetherness. It’s the one time when the United States slows down and stops running for 24 hours. It’s the one time when people get off of work and are supposed to spend with their families.
With my Circumstantial Depression, Christmas is hard. Being a United States Orphan is hard. I want to be married and have a big family and cook a big meal and have friends…but I don’t. I want to listen to Christmas music and sing carols and laugh and drink egg nog and watch Christmas movies and cuddle on the couch with my hubby. I want to be in love and take Christmas Family pictures and maybe go ice skating, even though I am not really able to because of my ankles.
This blog is where I can be myself and talk about the sadness of what I want to do for Christmas. I love that song, “Where Are You Christmas”. I think about that song and listen to it a lot. I wish someday that I could be loved by a man who loves me. I wish someday that I could have a really big family. I wish someday that I too could have that magical joy and warmth of Christmas that Christmas music makes me feel. For now, I just feel so damaged and broken. Christmas is the one time of year that I see snow sometimes and wish that I could cuddle on the couch with my husband and a cup of hot chocolate because it’s cold outside. It’s the one time of year when everyone tells me to do what I want to do with my child and make my own traditions.
I love my daughter, but sometimes, I want to be around adults too. Someone who loves me for me. Someone who will not make me feel less than a human being. Why is it that when I talk about wanting to get married, everyone tries and tells me everything negative about it? Everyone tells me that I shouldn’t do it until I am ready, but if everyone waited until they were ready to get married, not one would be married. I love my daughter, but sometimes, I want to have an adult conversation with another adult who REALLY loves me. There are a lot of things that I cannot talk to my daughter about. I feel like no one understands.
People are so quick to be negative when you have a dream, so I just sit here on my blog and write about my dreams and hopes and wishes. I write about what I wish for this Christmas. I do not wish for money or gifts, but for a husband who loves me for the REAL me. I wish for a husband who loves everything about Christmas just as much as I do. I wish for a husband who loves my Daddy as much as I do. I wish for friends who are REAL and not fake. I wish for the miracles and love and warmth and joy and happiness of Christmas.
Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you? Why have you gone away? Where is the laughter, You used to bring me? Why can't I hear music play? Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you? Why have you gone away? Where is the laughter, You used to bring me? Why can't I hear music play? Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you? Why have you gone away? Where is the laughter, You used to bring me? Why can't I hear music play?
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