I am a Virgo. I am a Single Mother. I am African American. I am West African. I am a Protagonist (ENFJ-T) personality type. Traits: Extraverted – 52%, Intuitive – 54%, Feeling – 59%, Judging – 58%, Turbulent – 60%. Role: Diplomat. Strategy: Social Engagement. I am an ASI on the Holland Code (RIASEC) scale. I have Circumstantial Depression. I have high anxiety. I juggle the world. I juggle my emotions. I juggle myself.
I hear my cell phone ring. I dare not pick it up. These days, I dread the phone like I dread answering the door. If someone wants to talk to me, they can text me, leave me a voicemail, or send me an email. I am all over the internet. One only has to Google my name and I am there. I try to be bold, honest, loyal, not afraid, but the world seems like it keeps pushing me down. I get back up, but I need time to recover. I am not a young thang anymore. My body doesn't just bounce back like it used to. I feel old. Stress affects my body these days, in more ways than I would have never imagined. A telephone ring or a knock at the door or a very unsettling email seems to send my anxiety through the roof. I try to calm myself, control my heartbeat, but it takes about an hour or two for me to really get control of myself. My body hurts when I am under hug amounts of stress. I am tired, sleepy, and drained. I sometimes get migraines. My sinuses act up. I am not even 50 and I feel like I am 80 years old. My knees start hurting. Stress is terrible at my age. My whole body feels like I have been working out for hours.
I am starting to really like astrology a whole lot more. Mainly because a lot of stuff on my astrology for being a Virgo has been true lately. If God created the heavens and the Earth, then isn't it true that astrology also comes from God? Maybe, even as a different way to communicate with humans than just the Bible. Being a Virgo, I am not a Virgin, but my sign is a representation of that. My virginity was stolen from me a million times over. People love to tell me how I shouldn't have had kids if I couldn't afford them, or how if I couldn't afford to homeschool my children then I shouldn't have had them. Everyone has a story. Having a child out of rape is mine. Having another one by a convicted sexual offender is also mine. Two beautiful children with a start that most people criticize and belittle and judge. No one cares what's behind the image. People only care about the image itself.
So my sign, the Virgo, the Virgin, my sign has pluses and minuses. I am very big on paying attention to detail...even though when I was younger, I was really naive. I blindly trusted people as opposed to now, I have really major trust issues. I was raped a lot by many different people as opposed to now, I am very cautious of everyone. I am not at all perfect. I pride myself on having integrity, being loyal and honest, striving every day to be the best, and fighting injustice when I can....mainly in my own home and local community. If I had a lot of extra money, it would probably go toward helping others or building programs that can. Morals and Integrity is important to me.
However, not everyone has integrity. Not everyone has good morals and ethics. My daughter's school district says to me that they want to do good and do right and then turn right around and does something different. I try very hard not to lie. I provide evidence at all costs because no one believes you otherwise. I asked my daughter's school district about my daughter's FBA (functional behavior assessment) because I have to give it to an organization. The school district gave me the wrong one. Twice they stated that the document that I had was the right one. Before the mediation agreement was signed in March 2023, I had been saying for like 3 months that this FBA was wrong. They kept telling me that they weren't doing it over. Then we had the mediation and I jumped at the chance to have it edited. On March 3, 2023, we edited the FBA, but the school district still gave me the wrong document here in April. I told them that and even emailed them about it. They insisted that the FBA that they gave me was the right one.
Luckily for me, during the mediated facilitation in which we edited the FBA, I used an app called Glean. It is a note taking app, but it records voices for you. It's so helpful when taking notes. So, I was up from about 12:15am to about 3am this morning going over this recording and the notes from the 3/3/2023. I made sure to send them proof that the FBA was edited. I am tired and stressed and worn out. I have been fighting this school district for 8 years. I have integrity, but here in the Pacific Northwest, the school districts do not.
Nor does the NAACP. Again, evidence. As African Americans, fighting for equality and equity and civil rights should feel like community and a home away from home. The local NAACP, however, feels like a nightmare. The entire time I have been fighting the school districts, I have also been involved in the NAACP. I have been the Secretary for more than half of this time. Recently, the President and I had some conversations in which we tentatively scheduled a reoccurring meeting on a certain day. Then this President lied about it when it came time to tell the truth. So now, I refuse to talk on the phone with the President. I want everything in writing. I technically could have used Glean and recorded this President, but some states have laws against that. Instead this President started telling people that they weren't suprised by my behavior, lack of communication, and lack of competence. They went on to say, "It’s unfortunate but highly accurate that you’re not wanting to take accountability and this is why you’re firstly unfit for my leadership." Now, let me remind you that the NAACP branches are a collaborative unit. If the President has a problem with the Secretary, then they are to write the Regional NAACP Office or the National NAACP Office. The branches do not belong to the Presidents or the Secretaries, nor does the President or the Secretary have power to kick one another off of their position. The branches have members. They are collaborative units. The President went on to call my communication style bad, unprofessional, and then they called my behavior disrespectful. They then stated that I lied about meeting with them. Evidence is important to have though and don't I have a lot of it.
Integrity is very important. The Pacific Northwest has been breaking me down very badly. Everything I do, I do with integrity. I make sure I collect evidence because of "snakes" and people who are on a power trip. I now expect to have everything in writing or to be able to record everything. People can make your life a living hell if they have enough power and influence. That is the sad part. It's sad that people would rather be out for themselves than to have good morals and ethics. My biological mother told me that nice guys finish last. I have a guilty conscience. If I go against my morals and ethics, my conscience gets the better of me.
For me, I want to be able to move back on the East Coast and to just lay in the sun on the beach. I want to be able to relax and not have to worry about someone trying to hurt me or my daughter whether physically, emotionally, sexually, or spiritually. I miss the beach. It seemed so peaceful. For a moment, you could just relax and not have to worry about anything. I miss the Dallas, TX Zoo. I loved exploring the different continents, gardens, and animals. My should misses West Africa, even though I have physically never been there. The community, the culture, the food, the people. My soul misses "home". I do not know if I will ever find "home" over here in America, but I know the East Coast felt better than here. I tried thinking of what is really good about the Pacific Northwest....I really tried. The churches are even different, especially the black ones. Down south, there are social codes amongst black people. Here in the Pacific Northwest, if you didn't grow up around them and you are different, you are forever an outcast.
Integrity for me is important in dating also. Where are all of the dating spots outside of the bar? I don't drink. I don't smoke. Before I choose to have sex, I want a man to get tested. Why is that so bad. If I caught Hepatitis C or Tuberculosis, there is a chance that I would pass that on to my child because those two can be passed through sweat, body fluids, spit. So why would I jeopardize myself only to end up killing my own child? When I ask men if they sleep around, then I ask them if they get tested...they say no. Then they think I am crazy for even suggesting that they get tested. I am getting older now and based off of how many times I have been sexually abused and raped, I may never get married, but I won't jeopardize myself or my child because someone else thinks getting tested is bogus. I would never ask someone to do something that I wouldn't do. I get tested also.
I dream of a place where I could work in my field, where I could be useful. Stress happens in everyday life, but stress would never happen for me on the weekends or when I am at home. I would grow my own food, swim in my swimming pool, and have fun with my children. We would travel a lot and I would be able to because I work from my Mac laptop computer. I would show my girls the world. I would show them the beauty of it and the wonderful different cultures it possesses. I would be free. They would be free. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to feel stuck. I don't want people continuously sucking the life out of me. I don't want people to tell me that I can't have standards or boundaries or use microaggressions against me or my children. I want to be free.
Integrity for me is important. I pride myself on being honest, loyal, and having lots of integrity, but it seems like the world around me doesn't because apparently "nice guys finish last".
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