Taking showers. It seems like a reasonable, everyday, normal pastime. You go into the bathroom, turn the water on, take off your clothes, get into the water, wash up, and then get out. Well, I am African American so I don't wash my hair every day, but I realize that there are those that do. Showering is something, that for normal people, seems like a quick and easy pastime. For me, it seems like a chore and gets really expensive.
When I get up, I like taking a shower to wash off any sweat I may have accumulated during the night. I love a really hot shower. It feels good to breathe in the steam and feel the warmth against my skin. When I am depressed, however, showering is hard. I say I am going to get up and take a shower, but I never do. Then after a few days, I feel guilty and more depressed because I haven't taken a shower. I learn to cope and try to ignore my guilt.
On top of being depressed, if I am not working for whatever reason, showering can get pretty expensive. My daughter has a urinating problem so I make sure she showers every night. Her clothes pile up and have to be washed, first in vinegar, then regular laundry detergent. Being poor is hard because sometimes I can't even afford laundry detergent. I make sure she has showers and clean clothes and for me, I don't waste clothes.
I know that there are those that say that I can put the same clothes back on after I shower. Why would some get clean only to put dirty clothes back on? I never understood that. Then there's the wash them by hand comment. Sure, wash them by hand, get blisters, and hang them where in my small apartment. I guess there are ways to save money if you have any income at all. With zero income, it can be quite difficult.
Depression and showering for me is hard. I know that no one really cares anyway, as long as they can't smell me. It's hard enough to get out of bed, let alone take a shower. Working a job helps because then you have a reason to get out bed and take a shower. Working a job in a hostile and racist environment, on the other hand, is counterproductive. The things that I hear in my head when I get up and don't take a shower don't help. I have to constantly remind myself of the positive, but who cares. I know, I have to love myself first before someone else will care about me. I am working on it.
I am just really tired all of the time. It's hard to shower and I guess one day, I will shower every day, when I can afford it. I guess one day, when someone cares, I will shower every day. I guess one day, that when I have a job that isn't racist, demeaning, and hostile to my mental health, I will shower every day. I guess one day, when someone actually cares, I will shower every day. I guess one day, when I get rich and famous, I will shower every day. None of these situations are happening here today. I am tired and depressed and I am not sleeping well or through the night, so I guess today, I will just go back to bed and think about taking a shower, tomorrow.
Sometimes when you are depressed it appears as if no one cares. There are some that care. Hang in there things have a way of working out.