We Never Lose Friends. We simply learn who the REAL ones are.
I love this shirt that I wear. It has Kristy the Clown on it from the Simpsons. It also says, "Caution, I disappoint everyone". It's true. With Circumstantial Depression, I disappoint a lot of people. I also, however, can never be myself around most people. People make fun of me and put me down for things I like to do. I don't have any REAL friends. I live a very lonely life. It is also true that you should never mix business with pleasure. Keep your friends and your business separate.
I would love to have just one REAL friend. One I can be myself around and not be afraid of them, put down by them, criticized by them, or stuff like this. When you wake up in the middle of the night having nightmares that certain people in your life are going to murder you or do you serious bodily harm, well then those people have to go.
I really like things that are fun. I love Lisa Frank. I like going to Karaoke. I like bowling. I like rainbows and unicorns.....not because I am gay/not gay, just because. I like Lamb Chops Play Along.. I love Disney......all things about Disney. I love Nickelodeon's Double Dare. I like wearing jeans and T-Shirts that say something meaningful or with a positive statement. I like doing things that make me happy.
The other side to this is that I am not allowed to like these things around certain people. Those people label me and make me feel really small and ugly. People build you up to make themselves feel better or to complete what they think God has shown them in their head about me.....did they really talk to my Daddy or is that just their scare tactic. I am broken and hurt and damaged. There are numerous times when people will say they have a nice heart, but their actions speak louder than words. While I have been the mouse and not the lion's, the lions throughout my life have tried to devour me. The person changes, but the actions remain the same.
"Sheep don't run with lion. Snake don't swing with monkey." This song is true. I want a friend who is like me. I want someone who won't put me down for what I like to do for fun or the clothes that I like to wear. I want someone who won't belittle me for the music I choose to listen to. I want someone who will go on outings with me.....someone who can be spontaneous. We would uplift each other, but would try never to put each other down. I want a REAL friend, not a friend that I constantly have to apologize to because I don't meet their expectations.
While I do know that Jesus is my friend, I was wanting to maybe have a human friend as well. See REAL friends don't have hidden agendas or swindle you out of your time, energy, and mental health. REAL friends are there for you when you are up and when you are down.
The day I realize that some people in my life needed to go was when I just stood there. I stood in the place of darkness as they criticized me and put me down and belittled me and made me feel ugly and small and stupid. I just broke down and cried and wanted to disappear. I wanted to die because I had allowed people in my life who emotionally abused me and then made sure that everything was always my fault. I hated myself in their company. When I went home, I slept for so long because emotionally, I was just drained all the time around them.
For me, music and Jesus are what I have to cope with my depression. For someone else they may have something different. That day, the day I saw darkness all around me, I chose me. I chose my daughter. I chose to cut the cancerous fake friends out of my life. No more bullies. No more cancerous cells that infect my brain with their negativity and pain and hurt. I choose Jesus and no one else. No one loves like He does. Until He sends someone, I have no friends. I have no REAL friends.
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