Helping others is always a good thing. Sometimes it can even be a great thing. However, when you neglect yourself in the process, your self-esteem can diminish very quickly. When you try to set boundaries, and people use peer pressure, bullying, or unempathetic and harsh criticism just so you can help them, that can make emotions escalate very quickly and can force people to become submissive in certain areas.
Right now, I am not working. I have government cash assistance in order to take care of my daughter but it isn't much. I also do not have any other income coming in. People seem to want me to help them and meet them half way, but at my expense and their expense.... .and they are not paying me. I get it. I am a blessing in the sense that I help people, but when you have nothing and then have people put you down when you tell them you have nothing, it's exhausting.
I spend money to go and help people. I tell people I don't have money and their response is that everyone has money for what they want to have money for. It's hard for me to set boundaries when helping others because it seems that their expectations and image of others falls onto me. People who are not technologically savvy want me to help them in person, not on Zoom, because they don't learn that way. So in order for me to meet them in person, I have to pay out of pocket to meet them. I also have to drag my daughter around. This is more emotionally stressful for me than it is for the person I am helping, who isn't paying me.
If you have ever seen that movie called, Troop Zero with Viola Davis, then you know that there is a girl on there who has a problem wetting herself. My daughter has the same issue. So the other issue I have is people want me to help them, but if I go to them, my daughter has to be in adult diapers. Her self-esteem is already low, but then it drops even lower when people have a problem with my child wetting on herself and I have to meet them in person.
Is it more of my expense if I am paying money out of my pocket, but they aren't paying me? Is it more of my expense if I have to buy my daughter diapers just to help them out? I feel like helping others is not equal if I am the one neglecting myself and spending money I don't have just to help someone else. You also can't call those people friends if you feel negative about yourself while helping them. In the TV series called, "Maid", there was one point where the maid (Alex Russell played by Margaret Qualley) was going through domestic violence. One of the ladies whose house she had cleaned (Regina played by Anika Noni Rose) needed her help with her new baby. Well Regina understood and tried to help Alex. She wasn't selfish and insisted on Alex helping her. She realized that Alex was going through something and tried to help her.
So I spent money I didn't have and went to a person's house for the weekend to help her only for her husband to say that I couldn't have the WiFi password, which is the main reason why I came to this person's house in the first place. Then my daughter and i slept on the floor, which smells like wet dog. If you know nothing about me, then you know I am allergic to animals. I just knew that tonight, I probably would not get any sleep. I am tired and exhausted. I have so much going on because my daughter and I are homeless right now. I am stressed out and I really feel like I need to get out of the state that I am in. Ignore everyone and start all over.
With my depression, I am really going to start telling people that I cannot help them. My emotional and mental health cannot take the stress. I can't afford it . I need to take care of myself first. I am depressed and I just need to start saying no to everyone, unless they are paying me. It's hard to help others when you are homeless, depressed, and have a child who has problems. I just want to disappear sometimes. This is also why I choose not to answer my phone. I just can't handle the conversations sometimes. In the end, I realize that the word NO needs to be my favorite word. I have no friends anyway so who cares if I say NO all the time.
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