This past Saturday, my mom, my daughter, and I went to a family event. I drove my car and my mother rode with me instead of driving her own car. My mom tends to take notes now at events because we are in a nonprofit together doing events. We sat down at a table that was covered with a tent. We proceeded to talk about all of the different things that we wanted at our events based on what this host at theirs. As we were talking, I noticed that the event staff were moving the small tents out of the way and placing bigger tents over the tables. After doing this for at least 30 minutes to an hour, they finally came to switch out the tent that was over the table my mother and I were sitting at. They grabbed the legs of the table and were about to move it, when my mother snapped at them. "Why can't you go and move another tent from someone else's table? Go move that lady's table?" The event staff proceed to tell her that they are moving everyone's tent and switching out the tents with bigger ones. "No, don't move this tent, go move someone else's tent!" My mother kept fussing to which I proceeded to tell her that she can't just tell someone what to do at their event. It was their event and they have a right to move tents over tables at their event. "That's not the point, they didn't say anything and it's rude!" In order to avoid conflict, the staff said okay and walked away. My mother continued fussing even after they left and I proceeded to tell my mother that she was being unprofessional. Regardless if they should have said something or not, we are on their property at their event. You can't tell someone what to do at their event. Then my mother started cussing and demanded that I take her home because she felt like I wasn't listening and that I took the staff's side instead of sticking up for her. I informed her that I was not ready to leave yet. Long story short, my friend had just arrived with her kids and she volunteered to take my mother home and I would watch her kids.
The event host came over to me after she left and thanked me for doing the right thing. I asked them what they mean. They told me that they were just trying to do their job when my mother snapped at them. I told them that my mother was upset because they came over and just started moving things without saying excuse me or explaining the situation. They told me that they understood and wanted to apologize to her. They stated that there was just so much going on and they were wrong for not saying excuse me or stating what they were doing. the following is what proceeded to happen next via text message between my mother and I. The green backgrounded messages are mine and the white backgrounded messages are my mother's.
The fact that we are supposed to be business professional and that she acted like that really bothered me. I get it that she wanted them to speak up and say excuse me, but that was their event. The situation could have been handled very differently. The is a level of interpersonal skills that must be displayed at other people's events especially if you are trying to get their business or are networking. My mother's famous words when being given constructive criticism is, "I don't give a f***!" It's very sad really that she feels like she has to handle situations very aggressively and hostile instead of just speaking to people in a respectful manner. She is very stubborn and doesn't care how it comes off to people. I had already noticed that the staff were moving all of the tents, not just ours, and so it was clear to me what was happening and what they were doing. If she had politely said, "Next time, could you just please say excuse me and let us know that you are going to move the tent before you start moving it", then that would've been different. That's is how you remain professional and still get your point across without being rude and disrespectful. They could have just came and taken the whole entire tent away. It was after-all, their event.
Living with a narcissist can be like living with a mean roaring lion. You have to constantly agree with everything they say, they are mentally exhausting, they put people down when things don't go their way, and they feel like they are always right. My mother is narcissistic and has obsessive compulsive disorder. She usually feels like she's entitled to certain privileges that aren't offered to others. She is high-maintenance and demanding, often expecting others to be willing to accommodate her rigid schedules, routines, and specific preferences. One of her favorite sayings is, "It will only take a second" when she needs someone to do something for her, even if they are in the middle of something themselves. She doesn't feel like she has any problems though. She always says that other people have problems, but she doesn't have any.
I feel like sometimes she copes with her obsessive compulsive disorder through her narcissism. Superiority or arrogance allows her to believe her way of doing things is the ‘right’ or ‘better’ way. Self-centeredness allows her to focus solely on her wants, needs, and preferences. Lower levels of empathy reduces concerns about her obsessive compulsive disorder's tendencies are affecting or impacting others. Projecting blame outward helps her maintain the illusion that she's fully in control of her life and circumstances. She also has a strong desire to be in a position of authority, control, or power. Sometimes, the need for complete control over her life, circumstances, and environment is driven by high levels of anxiety and neuroticism. Other times, she is driven by a want for power, authority, or status.
She also displays rigid and perfectionistic tendencies in certain areas of her life. She has certain external ‘conditions’ that need to be met in order for her to feel emotionally stable. Sometimes, I feel like she feels anxious or upset if anyone puts something in the wrong place. She cleans my apartment constantly even though sometimes it's already clean. She has to have stuff organized her way even though as an artist and a creative, her organization cause me to be unorganized. She also feels disrespected or even outraged a lot. This event that we went to is just one example. There are so many times when she tells my daughter and I that we need to stop being disrespectful, even though she lives in my apartment and I am 40 years old. I can't tell her nothing and I can barely have any rules. She has an emotional reliance on external circumstances that she relies on to feel calm and/or stable. She has compulsions as an attempt to feel more secure or in control. Her compulsive behaviors are are driven by her strong impulses and urges, which are features of both her obsessive-compulsive disorder and her narcissistic personality disorder. She is driven by these strong urges and impulses, which has become destructive and problematic for her in her employment, relationships, and even her home life.
So the very next morning after the event was over and I had come home, I go into my room. My mother asks me, "Don't you think you owe me an apology?" I told her no and walked out of the room. She has been giving me the silent treatment ever since she left the event. It's very sad that she doesn't recognize that networking during the event about business, then displaying the unprofessionalism that she displayed, will drive away traffic from my business. Honestly, sometimes, I tend to be in "fight or flight" mode when I am around her. She used to beat me up a lot. Now she tends not to put her hands on me but I still have extremely high anxiety around her. Other people have also taken notice of how she behaves in public. She is vey stubborn and just doesn't care. She gets fired or quits from most jobs that she gets. Every time, someone else did something and it wasn't her fault. Confronting her isn't always an option. Imagine confronting Deebo from Friday or Juggernaut from X-Men: The Last Stand. That's what it's like confronting my mother and I am not a Super Hero.
My mother is a lion because she is a Leo. I feel like when I am around her, she devours me sometimes. I cannot have my own mind or opinions. I have to agree with her. I am not allowed to give her any constructive criticism. When she talks to me, I have to just grin and nod. I walk on a lot of eggshells around her. Her words can also be like venomous serpents that devour. They can be agents of pain and suffering. They destroy reputations and her relationships. Psalm 52 associates the devastating use of words with powerful people who “love evil more than good and lies more than truth” (52:3). When I become financially stable and independent, I want to make sure that my mother and I live in separate states. Until then, I am stuck in this situation where she has a financial hold over me.
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