Domestic Violence is a terrible thing. It affects everyone around you. My mother brings out the worst in me. Her OCD and her attitude affect me in ways I can't even begin to describe. When I am around my mother, I can't express my feelings. I can't talk about what I want. I can't think. I can't do anything. I am emotionally drained. It's hard to think about how hard it is for me to contain myself when I am around her. I handle problems and issues in ways that I do not handle when I am around her. Her motto is, "she doesn't have problems, everyone else has problems". However, she doesn't realize how that attitude affects other people. She doesn't even care. I yell so much more when she is around, especially at my child.
My daughter has a form of Autism. She also has ADHD and ODD. She has a lot of social issues. She has been tested extensively and professionally and is on the waiting list for a medical official diagnosis. My mom doesn't want to or feel like she needs to put in the work to learn about how my child is. She claims that my daughter only exhibits those behaviors around me and around white people, but not around her when I am not there. The problem with her thinking is that I feel like she only sees what she wants to. Autism doesn't just come and go. How do you say that a child is manipulating every situation and making people believe she has autism when she doesn't? Whenever my daughter does something and I am around, my mother is constantly tattling on my child to me expecting me to do something. My mother doesn't want to learn how to treat or take care of my child. I can't go to the bathroom or anything because I have no peace. If anything were to happen to me, my mother wants to take care of my daughter.....but she doesn't listen.
I get so mad. I get so angry. If my daughter does something wrong like put soap in plastic bottles because they have to be washed, my mother will come in to the bathroom and let me know. Then she will say "just throw the fucking bottles in the trash because now they're going to taste like soap". I would never hear the end of it. I would be blamed every day that she didn't have those bottles because of my daughter's mistake instead of her just reminding my daughter that the bottles do not get soap in them. How hard is that? I try hard not to yell and cuss, but my mother is constantly doing it. She claims that raising her voice and yelling is different, but to me, it's all the same.
I have my own apartment, but my mother moved in. She doesn't believe you should ask a family member before you visit them if you can stay the night....that's how she was raised. If you are family, you should be allowed to just show up at another family member's house and stay with them, no questions asked.....even if they are on Section 8. My mother is a Leo. I am a Virgo. This is also the reason why I refuse to date Leos. I can never be friends or anything more with a Lion. My mother has OCD and I have high anxiety, PTSD, and Circumstantial Depression. I believe that my mother is also narcissistic, but she would never admit it. Whenever my mother gets me to that point, I am ready to kick ass, even hers. My mother was in the military. She has muscles like a weight-lifting man, but not a body builder. She does truck driving and construction. She hates working with women and being around them. She feels like they are too catty and have too many issues. When I am at that point though, I don't even care. I feel like I am about to have a nervous breakdown.
I seem to hate my child sometimes when my mother is around. My daughter's IEP and BIP goes out the window. I recognize the signs, but my mother gets under my skin so much that I just want my child to be normal. Then I start yelling a lot and I get to the point where I don't give a fuck. I try really hard, but I just don't. I curse out my mother. I curse out my child. I am saying, "Leave me the fuck alone because I am at my wit's end." My mother is OCD and I am an emotional mess. I do clean my place, but I need to do it in my own time. I can't clean when I am emotionally drained. My mother pushes me too far. She doesn't understand why I can't be normal. She doesn't understand why I can't keep clean what she already cleans. I don't understand why everything has to be so spotless. Even if something is clean, she will reclean it. This blog helps me to reset. It helps me to calm myself and to recenter myself and to get out everything that I am holding inside.
Inside I am broken and lonely and depressed. My mother always tells me that I am depressed because I want to be depressed. She tells people that if they are suicidal then they should just kill themself. I don't see life like that. I have to believe that there are other ways to handle stuff. I am just so tired. I have to keep fighting for my child because I know, my mother cannot raise her. I am exhausted. Right now, I wish I could go to the beach, not the Pacific Northwest beach, but the East Coast beach. I want to put my feet in the sand and just bask in the sun. I am tired of having to rely on my mother all of the time. She makes the money and I, well I really do try. I have been to 19 states and never once was I on Section 8. I bought my own first car with my own money. I have tried to make it work here in the Pacific Northwest. The discrimination and racism send me over the edge a lot. I have no friends. I have no one that I can really talk to. I am alone. I am on a whole lot of different dating sites.
Do you believe poor people can date and possibly get married? A lot of people do not. There are a lot of people who are all over social media and are against poor people dating, getting married, having kids, and all of that. I have published two books. I have a board game that is copyrighted and trademarked. I have a huge portfolio and yet, I am in the wrong area. I am in an area that sucks you dry and makes you wish you were something other than black. I am in an area that eats you alive and makes you beg white people for everything. I am in an area that makes it hard for some black people to get out of debt, away from homelessness, and far away from being poor....unless you marry a white person. I am tired of relying on my mother. My confidence is broken. No matter how much I have accomplished, it's never enough. I will always have to look white people in the eye and beg them for help. Post-Traumatic Slave Syndrome by Dr. Joy DeGruy...it's a really good book. I wish I had someone who I could just be with and do things together and get away from it all while my child was safe with a nanny or a babysitter.
Everyone has their own story, their own journey that they have to go through. Everyone has battle scars. In this world, people don't really care about your story, your past, your future, or your journey. Millions of people die every day. I am alone. I am broken. I am tired. The truth is though, No One Cares!
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