40

40. Turning 40 is supposed to be a great thing. I have had grey hair since I was in my 30's. I have published 2 books, created a business (not monetarily successful, but it's a business), and I have copyrighted and trademarked a Board Game. All of this compares nothing to how I feel at 40.

At 40, I wanted to be successful in a career, have a successful marriage, and have bought a house in a town that I consider to be my hometown. I have actually accomplished none of those. Trying to grasp what it will take to make me happy, especially as a single mother. I have come to the realization that in order to make me happy, I want to be able to make enough money in the Multimedia field where I can live way out in the country, grow and process my own food, take care of my child(ren), and be able to own and cover all of the costs of a dog. This would make me happy.

Racism, Sexism, Implicit Bias, and Microaggressions have shaped the way my life has gone so far. It's one thing for me to go out and seek a job, but with employment discrimination, it's another thing for me to be able to obtain a job. If I have a child and I am unable to obtain a job, then that forces another problem with being able to take care of my child effectively. People always say, "Well, then, you shouldn't have had children". No one talks about the fact that my child was born out of rape. Then people say, you could have given your child up for adoption". In a world where systemic racism and human trafficking is huge, what is the statistical prediction of how often African American/Black children in America are actually adopted into good homes where they are given a good education, good healthcare, middle class economic household, and cultural background?

So, I don't listen to what people say, but I am still having a hard time at 40. 40 has started off very depressing so far. I am really trying to figure out a way to just survive and to help my child make it to the age of at least 21. I would really hope that my youngest daughter lives longer than that, but at least the age of 21. I am struggling. I am falling and trying to grab on to something, but all I am doing is slipping and falling repeatedly.

It's hard. I am trying to make it to the next day and am just happy to breathe when I have survived another day. Being on Section 8 and struggling to get off, barley being able to afford your bills, never being able to afford small things like maxi pads or laundry detergent because the government thinks you make too much money. Governments nearly destroyed my daughter with their treacherous public schools. Teachers who treat black kids like garbage and the system protects them. Now I am trying to figure out how I thought it was okay to have a child out of rape only for the United States system to continue to try and destroy this beautiful baby girl. Black people at each other's throats while white people laugh in our faces. Black churches only accept those they grew up with because Jesus don't love outsiders, while white churches portraying that Jesus don't love blacks. Actions speak louder than words and everyone is trying to get rich quick, but no one is trying to teach another how to make it through the night. Mental health a problem for anyone, but for blacks, it's a sin and disgrace. Turn the other cheek when white people do stuff to you, but when a black person does something, it's a death sentence.

So yes, I just turned 40. I just turned 40 and have never been in love. I just turned 40 and am trying to survive so this little girl can have a better life in a world that despises her because she is black. Black means stupid, bad, and ignorant, but to me, it means so much more. I am starting to forget the positive of what being black really means because I am drowning in hatred. Everyone hates me and I keep trying to pull myself up. No friends, no leverage, no empathy, just hatred. Everyone telling you that it's okay to be 40 but when you are already dying, hope is the last thing you want to hear from people who don't really care.

I don't know what to do. I am stuck and I am 40 and I am surrounded by racist white people who let me know by their actions every day that they have the upper hand. I am suffocating and drowning. I came here with confidence and high self-esteem. I knew who I was until I was brought down a few notches and told repeatedly that who I thought I was, was a lie.....and these white people proved it. They don't care and I wish I could escape, but I don't know how. I am beginning to hate myself and everything about my blackness, no matter how much positive black music I listen to or how much positive black movies I watch....there will always be three white ones to let me know that we as black people ain't shit and I cry. I cry for my spirit and my soul and my people and the world we live in because people don't care how many black people die or how many black children commit suicide or how many black people have heart attacks because another black person dead in these streets, is another win for these white people. It's just another one of us that they didn't have to kill.

So I try to dig myself out of this grave. I have been trying since I was 18 and released on the streets by social services homeless and pregnant by a convicted sexual offender, but I am missing something and I don't know what it is. I am tired and I am looking around and now I am 40 years old and I am dying. I am 40 years old and these teachers are still teaching the same old white history and letting me know, I will still be here when I am 60 and 80. The only question I ask myself now is:

GOD WHERE ARE YOU?